Clarity

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 01:53:43 GMT

How is overwhelmed not an emotion emoticon??

I feel like I about to have a panic attack. I feel sick to my stomach and I am having trouble breathing. All this wasted energy when I need to be doing work.

That's what I need to tell myself. Focus on the work, not the amounts. Take one thing at a time and maybe I will be okay. Don't worry about this weekend, or the relationship, or post-graduation, or how you're disappointing people.

If I don't take one thing at a time, I will not make it through. Please let me make it through. Right now I feel like everything is crushing down on me and I don't want it to but I feel like I have no control.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 19:17:02 GMT

I am feeling very unsettled today and I finally figured out what it is. I haven't done jack shit with my summer. I just hung around and travelled a lot while putting too many miles on my car. This kind of behavior might have been acceptable while I was in high school, but that was four years ago and this kind of inactivity is no longer okay, I don't think. So is society making me feel bad or am I making myself feel bad? It's probably a little bit of both, but nonetheless, I can't shake myself of it.

This antsyness is making me want to do crazy things like shift around priorities in my life or get rid of them, specifically a certain boyfriend. However, aside from a few annoying things here and there, he has been nothing but good to me and here I am taking out my anger with myself onto others.

Argh.

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 04:15:25 GMT

Super bad night.

My monthly bill came finally, which is always good news. It has been coming consistently a few days late in the past few months which makes everything unpredictable. It's also very nerve-wracking but as I'm being relatively safe so I guess I don't need to worry if I am a few days late.

However, it is making me extremely moody and hormonal which might help explain today, but not competely. I got in a fight with my sister and mom who were pestering me about my future plans. I had that brewing in my mind and the slightest request made a fuse go off in my brain and I blew up at my dad, my mom, and then my dad again. I cried my eyes out in my darm room and lay there feeling completely numb and helpless. My dad came into ask me to go downstairs and eat, but I had no appetite to say the least. He talked mostly and I gave him one word answers, but I did not feel any more clear about the future. I did, however, feel a slight motivation to come downstairs and do some research about Americorps and a few jobs on Monster.com. But, as per usual, I realized how much I have screwed myself over in the past four years, got discouraged and nervous, and went into escape mood where I remain. I didn't really talk to the boy much today and things ended on an awkward note tonight. In fact, he has been acting really bizzarely all weekend which has me even more nervous, but he will be in town tomorrow so we will see what happens. As per usual (again), I am nervous and expecting the worst. I wonder if I can ever break myself of this habit. I have my optimistic moments but am an eternal pessimist really.

I feel sick to my stomach about a million things right now. My mom was right; I need to grow up. I am 22 years old stuck at the maturity of a 17 year old. I can't seem to take responsibility or own up to anything. I just escape into my mind and zone out. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I am terrified of myself sometimes.

Fuckin' technology

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 07:48:02 GMT

I find that when I'm either generally super happy or it's summer, I tend to update less. Not as much happens over summer so I don't really feel a therapeutic need to think things out as much.

But on the happy thing, it bothers me that I don't challenge things around me as much when I'm happy. Since I'm so happy, things must be falling into place for me, and why should I challenge that? Well I suppose I don't need to and something should be said for being able to accept happiness wholeheartedly without worrying about the future. But not challenging anything? That doesn't seem right. It's either I'm mediocre/sometimes sad and challenging everything or happy, blissful and accepting of everything. I'm not sure I like this huge contrast. I also don't like that I have a hard time writing in complete sentences. I partly blame technology for this, actually. And the writer of Bridget Jones's Diary. I found the second novel, Edge of Reason, in my room yesterday and decided to read a few pages while killing time. But the writing is very similar to my thoughts -- broken and not always cohesive.

Sometimes on instant messenger when I am surfing online and carrying on multiple conversations, I find it a waste of time to write complete sentences when I can convey my thoughts in a few words. Being concise never hurt anyone right? But I really need to work on writing in complete sentences otherwise writing papers may become a challenge, which is a skill I lack and do not want to lose completely! I also need to learn how to concentrate on specific things better. Once again, I blame technology. There are many days where I carry on up to 5 or 6 conversations at a time while surfing on at least 3 or 4 different websites, sometimes while also playing a game like poker. Erm, was that even a complete sentence? No wonder concentrating has never gotten easier, only harder since grade school. When I have to keep re-concentrating and re-focusing on something I'm reading, I never learn to comprehend more then a few sentences at a time. I've noticed this lately when I am trying to read that I have to re-read a lot of sentences to fully understand. This is not good.

So what can my solution be? Well, for starters, I am going to finish up this enry without talking on aim. Away message is now up. But what then? We are such a fast-paced society, which would explain why all of our technology has become much more advanced and condensed. But the bastards who created cell phones and computers are what got me into this mess in the first place, so do I really want to follow their trends? I would like to take a moment and mention how I went to dictionary.com to look up the word condensed to make sure it fit in the context, and got distracted by a Circuit City advertisement for digital cameras and spent about 3 minutes surfing there. I'm hopeless. And I keep feeling like I'm writing in run-on sentences. I am annoyed.

So, I suppose I could blow off technology to an extent. It would be difficult not talking on instant messenger since it is my primary source of communication with old friends and admittedly, the internet makes research on random topics too easy and too quickly to ignore. Shall I not do these things simultaneously? Wouldn't that just be a waste of time? We are a society constantly chasing time, but are we really saving it by doing so many things at once? If anything, I think we are just half-assing life. Half-assing conversations, half-assing reading, half-assing everything. This, to me, is no way to live life. It's come to the point where I can hardly sit still on the phone for very long because I feel antsy and want to engage in other activities. But talking on the phone takes much more attention and focus then anything else we do these days. I think I've written an entry on this before, yet have not come to any sort of conclusion.

I got inspired to write in my journal today because I was looking through really old entries from my boyfriend's livejournal. That's only like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the term boyfriend in this relationship. I don't like categorizing my relationships; it adds too much pressure.

I am both amused and scared of the fact that some of the entries I read led me to believe that I know nothing about him. But how would I tell him that? Admittedly, he would probably say the same thing back to me but he doesn't know this livejournal account. Should I surrender it? Doubtful. Does this make my relationship a lie? Or a fraud?

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 06:06:39 GMT

As I am sitting looking through my Africa pictures, I have to ask myself...is that real? Was I really there? I don't remember it. Perhaps because my corrupt mind no longer believes that it is possible for such beauty and harmony to exist. But it does. And I have lost the feeling of being in such bliss because of it.

I miss something that I will never get back and it was that trip. Words can't describe how a loss like this feels.

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 18:07:04 GMT

I thought I would go to bed and wake up feeling more relaxed and less stressed but that clearly won't be the case.
In fact, I feel antsy, edgy, nerve-wracked; more so then last night. All because of a few passing comments from my mother.

I was invited to go to a wedding with the guy I'm dating up in Missouri and I decided to okay it with my parents. I am on brink of graduating from college but they are still financially supporting me and I also think that it might be a culture thing as to why I still feel as if I need their permission to do a lot of things, especially something this major.

That, and sometimes I think my parents may be smarter then they lead on to be (and other times, I don't...as will be explained in a moment here). Last year during spring semester, I got really close with the guy I was dating and we decided to try long distance while he spent the summer back home in Oregon. Because 3 months seemed so long at the time, I decided to try and visit him sometime during the course of the break. My parents, however, were not fond of this idea and told me they didn't want me going; my mom just felt like he and I hadn't been dating that long (we hadn't; only 3 months) and maybe I was getting in over my head; meeting the parents and his friends would be a big deal, and she just didn't want to see me hurt. I felt the mature thing would be to respect their wishes; I didn't go; we lasted through summer and broke up right at the start of the school year. Who knew at the time, but going was probably the best thing for me.

However, this time around, my mom seemed more open to the idea of me going to Missouri. She requested a picture (because she's vain?) and asked me only, like, a few questions about him. Does he have tattoos? Does he have piercings? Where does he work? Oh! Is he an accountant? She seemed to revel in the fact that he is straight laced looking (and, indeed, is the way he looks) and has a steady job.

Her response? Yes you can go. And if he really is a nice boy, hurry up and graduate in December, find a job, and move to where he is.
My response? WHAT?!
Her response: Nice boys don't come around very often. And there are a lot of girls out there.

After typing this again (I typed this out last night but LJ was down or something), I feel even more ill then when I started this entry.

And then I took a glance at his journal and he had made an entry about how he was getting more and more comfortable with me being around and he didnt know if that was a good thing or not.
Someone responded that it was indeed a good thing, that he should enjoy my company, live for the moment. He said easier said. Then yesterday, he made another comment that life has many important decisions, but who you choose to spend your life with is the most important; not something to be rushed when you feel pressure from the marriage of a lot of your other friends.

Hm. Marriage. Seems to be a word thats popping up a lot. And then I step back and have to think. I am not even two weeks away from turning 22; yet sometimes I still feel like I'm a teenager. I am so young, yet so old.

I am nowhere near where I should be at 22, I feel like. I feel more confident as a person, yet I still don't have a clue what I want to spend my life doing. I feel myself being pulled in multiple directions, yet fear that even if I do find my calling, I won't have the grades, skills, or committment to pull it off. I feel so much pressure; like my life is just a big question marked waiting to be answered by the world. I am an adult. I need to buck up and realize what that means. And this is what I mean when I am so old; I have a weight of responsibilities expected of me at this age that I am failing to realize.

At the same time, I am so young. 22 isn't even a quarter of the way to 100. I have only been a non-teenager for about 5 years. And suddenly, people think they are qualified to make a vow of forever; that they know what they want out of life, out of a partner, out of a family. I feel people at our age who have barely left college don't really have a clue as to how the world may really work. I am told that we go through our biggest changes right in college and right out of college. Makes sense. Most of us enter college still being supported by our families and parents; we have classes to fill our time and the dorms and clubs facilitate making social connections. We leave college and suddenly we are mostly on our own, most of us with the comfort that our parents will be there when we need them; yet we are expected to fly. Most of us are ready to take flight, but like little birds, hit a lot of bumps on the way before we can soar. And I feel these bumps will continue to shape who we are.

Either way, this long entry just proves that, regardless of my young age, the idea of marriage still bounces around in my mind. And it angers me that my mom put that to the forefront. I realize that she is just watching out for her daughter; but I have a million other decisions in my life I have to make and so many more changes. I hate that things like marriage and children seem to need to fall under some time limit. I can't think I am too boggy brained and this computer is just being a pain in the butt. I will clarify more and doctor this entry later. I feel like I can't correctly convey my feelings at the moment.

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 08:12:25 GMT

First of all, I'd like to say: GET WELL ANDREW MCMAHON!

The lead singer of Something Corporate, one of my all time favorite bands, has recently been diagnosed with acute lymphetic leukemia -- think I spelled that wrong. I am crushed but I suppose reality hasn't hit, like it hasn't with most issues, which probaby explains the lack of entries recently.

Lately I haven't been feeling the journal entry vibe and now that I'm writing in this; I'm still not. *Shrugs*

I'm utterly content right now being with family .... I feel like I've been on a fabulous vacation and I don't want it to end. I'm not ready to face the music, so to speak. When I do, I am certain these blank spaces will fill.

Wed, 25 May 2005 04:51:58 GMT

"Home" for about two weeks...flying to D.C. tomorrow to watch my brother graduate with a masters and then coming back here to see my sister graduate from med school.
My mom is irritating me, but maybe that's because I was on the road for much longer then anticipated...I should think about rush hour when I leave for a short trip between cities.
Sometimes I think my mom is just begging for attention which kind of makes me sad. I hope I don't turn out that way. I know thats a horrible thing to say about your own mother, but everytime I come home, she is constantly asking me what I think of her new shoes, her new clothes, telling me she think shes going through a mid-life crises or her body is breaking down. It's just so random I suppose. She says it in an starving way not in a matter of fact way which I see as the difference between need for attention and just talking with your daughter. And I guess I'm at a weird point in my life where I don't have much opinion about clothes or shoes because I have other things on my mind.

I'm in a weird mood today; perhaps I should just go to sleep and it'll be gone tomorrow.

Mon, 23 May 2005 21:23:53 GMT

There's nothing like rehashing a messy relationship with an ex to your current to mess with your head and make you feel really odd. And drained. I'm not pleased with this.

Tue, 17 May 2005 22:19:46 GMT

I've decided that I already spent far too much time analyzing some stupid online quiz so I'm not going to doctor that last entry. So take it for what it is.

So I napped from about 1-3am last night and absolutely could not go back to sleep again until 10am. I walked around and talked to my housemates for a bit and surfed online for a bit. Nothing worthy. So I only slept, collectively, 5 hours last night. And I thought I was fine.

Apparently, I'm not. I get online and was chatting with a friend and she mentioned how she needed to look at Facebook to see my new picture that was apparently "very Asian". I automatically reacted negatively to this comment and posted it to my boy attached with my own comment: so sad :-( My friend then proceeded to tell me that my eyes were very squinty and by this point, I'm pretty irate -- especially when I posted this other comment to my boy and he laughed and said they were. This friend is also the same girl who always used to make fun of my "small boobs" in high school and gave me a complex about it -- seriously, up until senior year, I didn't have any reserves about my body and I have been told many times still that I shouldn't. And mostly I don't. But every so often if someone makes a passing comment insulting either the size of my breasts or my squinty eyes, I get extremely defensive. Its especially angering when someone has the audacity to ask me "Can you see?" when I'm laughing so hard, my smile takes over my entire face, causing my eyes to be extremely squinty. And yes fuckhead, I can see.

My boy proceeds to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful and that everything about me is Asian -- my hair, my skin, my eyes and I shouldn't be bothered. I know he is absolutely right, and I've known all along that I have been overreacting. But for him to indirectly imply that he thinks so too makes me really embarrassed. I suddenly feel about 2 inches tall. I am embarrassed he has seen this side of me.

And I'm also angry at myself for caring. In high school as a teenage struggling for a place in society, I certainly did not see the Asian stereotype that preceded me as a very positive one so I constantly fought to prove it wrong. I did not want to be seen as nerdy, dorky, anti-social (http://story.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/usmediatelevisionasia), super smart, etc. So in essense, me trying to strip myself of this stereotype meant stripping any pride or association I had with my race. So I guess I have it stuck in my head that anything that is extremely Asian is negative and having that association is an insult. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous I feel. I even had a college buddy ask if I was ashamed to be my race and I said I didn't really know; he is Irish and apparently very proud and he didn't feel the same from me. I suppose he is right. I have had a slight increase in interest about my heritage, but maybe I'm just really interested in doing some travelling, and Asia doesn't seem like a bad place. My parents, on the other hand, were ecstatic to hear that I wanted to travel around China some and asked for travelling dates immediately. My brother is moving to Singapore so hopefully I will get the opportunity, and I won't feel so ashamed from my past.

Geez, just when I was getting on my high horse about being much more mature, the brutal truth rears its ugly head. I guess I'm thankful; its nice to have a humility check once in awhile, and I most certainly got one.

Mon, 16 May 2005 17:27:05 GMT

My smiley face set is getting boring; I should change it.

Also, I feel so juvenile for taking these stupid quizzes, but I am very shocked by how accurate this most recent test was.

This is the OKCupid! The Love Personality Test. I have no idea why all the love tests recently, but I hope I grow out of this quiz taking phase soon -- I am feeling pretty silly at the moment..

Jilted Cynic
You Consider Love To Be 42% Idealistic, 14% Positive, and 71% Important.
You are the Jilted Cynic. You do not idealize love, and you are also very cynical about it. You may feel that sex without love is perfectly fine. Most likely, you also believe that love is something realistic and physical, in no way some kind of spiritual bond between people. You see love as a contract between people rather than some transcendant force that holds them together. Of course, you also feel that love is terrible and ultimately leads to much pain. Ironically, despite these negative feelings about love, you feel that love is very important in the world. In fact, love is something for which you strive, and you would like nothing better than to share genuine love with someone. Of course, given your realistic and negative attitude, you do not think this will occur any time soon. In fact, you have probably suffered much heartache in your past relationships, leading you to look upon love as painful and negative. Thus, you have resigned yourself to see love as something at once terrible and important, and you obviously have very mixed feelings about it.

My own analysis:
Everything about hits the nail on the head except the part about love being realistic and physical, no way some kind of spiritual bond between people, and a contract rather than a force. And at first I was going to say that considering my casual sex history, that's to be expected. But then again, not. Because if love is just realistic and physical, especially physical, what is separating sex from love? And for someone who once had casual sex, it seems like I would have to have a good boundary between the other two otherwise I'd be one very confused girl, though it does slip in that I have mixed feelings in the end, which is very true. Clearly I'm confused. Heheh.

But I mentioned in an earlier post that I wanted to talk about why I don't know what I want in romantic relationships. I have that one mostly cleared up but my conclusion in itself seems to contradict the conclusion from the quiz.

I had an akward talk with one of my really good guy friends (who is currently having trouble with his beyond psychotic girlfriend) .... and apparently one of our friends told him he should dump his girlfriend and get with me because it makes sense and we get along so well.

Bah, too many IM conversations going on, I'm getting distracted. I'll finish later.

Sun, 15 May 2005 22:31:21 GMT

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Panic

Fri, 13 May 2005 07:23:30 GMT

Graduation for all my friends here is on Saturday, as in about 36 hours from now. I can't believe it.

Our house is one gross, chaotic mess. Since our lease is up in about two weeks, no one really has bothered to clean because we'll have to do a final clean up when all our stuff is moved out anyhow. I hate how everything is cluttered...it's making me panic since I haven't started packing and I'm a little bit O.C.D. But most of all, I think that my ability to deny that everything is changing will not hold up much longer. Maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping well and have felt very edgy and oddly, anti-social. I just want to hole up in my room, sleep, and forget everything that is about to happen. I know that is strange and unhealthy, but I feel like I'm caving in; I hate this bizarre feeling of being out of control, watching everything change dramatically around you without having a clue how to handle it all.

Two of my best friends who have been dating for 2 years are going to breakup as soon as they both leave here; another two of my good friends are getting married in August; others are moving and shifting around trying to find their place in life. I feel slightly comforted in knowing that everyone is feeling scared of the future, but I fear that my lack of drive and pathetic excuse for a resume will prevent me from going anywhere in life; while everyone around me flourishes. I am not jealous in the least; I am extremely proud of my friends; they are amazing. But in the meantime, I am kicking myself in the ass because I fear I have nothing to show after 4 years and $100,000 of tuition.

Wed, 11 May 2005 09:05:43 GMT

I watched Sliding Doors tonight for the first time -- it's an older movie, from mid-90's probably...first off, it's still really weird for me to think of the 90's as old...sometimes when I am doing research and look at the publication date of a book, I forget that 1995 is not that recent anymore....

Anyways I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Past movies covering the topic of destiny are usually too much...too many coincidences, too cheesy, etc.
This one, however, felt so real and it comforted me in a way. I am not sure about my stance on pre-destination but the point of this movie was essentially this: You may choose any path that you'd like, consciously or not, but things will still fall into place in the same way at the same time (pregnancy, accidents, meeting your future mate, etc).
So, if I were to believe that life happens in the way this movie pans out, (big key word: if), then its comforting to know that I will learn different lessons but come out the same way.

I am so tired I'm not sure that made sense, so I'll fix this in the morning but I wanted to say that I am much more content now. And I finally got over my mean hangover 5 hours ago. God what a hangover. Never drinking like that again.

Wed, 11 May 2005 00:28:14 GMT

I think the end is nearing -- it's only a matter of time.... Sometimes if something is imminent or inevitable, it's just easier to be done with it and move on. I'm sick of acting cautiously as not to step on toes and I'm sick of being on the edge of my seat suffering nerve shock or something. This is not a good anxious anymore and I'm mentally and emotionally preparing for the end. And perhaps I will be beyond relieved when it does.

On another note, never mix liquor, arbor mist, and beer in one night. Especially before a final. Your mood will be horrible and your body will surely hate you in the morning. I miss being able to bounce back like I did freshman year. I'm 21, how is my body already this worn down? And sometimes my mental and emotional health feel as if it can't take another day.

Sometimes I feel so damn old. I'm homesick for a place that I fear won't ever exist again. I find that I don't really know what "home" is anymore. This summer, for example. I don't want to stay here because that means I will have been here for 2 years straight and I am sick of this place....I associate this place with sadness and stress most of the time. My hometown isn't too shabby -- everything is nice, rich, and pretty and I love going back to the only "home" I've ever known, but it is also different. It doesn't really provide the comfort it once did, like back during freshman year.

I hate this feeling of being in between but not feeling like I truly belong anywhere, anymore. It's frustrating and sad.

Sun, 08 May 2005 22:54:08 GMT

He's been gone for, oh, about an hour and already I am losing my mind. Mostly I'm just lonely and bored senseless. I should be thankful for free time because I know that one of these days, it will be robbed from me and I'll be longing for moments like these.

I did not cry when he left this time. In fact I feel fine, I am planning to go see him in two weeks...and he left me his IPod Shuffle! I am excited about this for a few reasons: It might sound bizarre and I'm certain I am reading into this too much, but I feel like he really trusts me. I mean this baby was a 100 bucks and it will remain in my possession for awhile...and he wants me to fill it with either good songs or bands I want him to be exposed to, so I get to add a nice personal touch to it. I love playing with new toys though this one doesn't have half as much appeal as my IPod. And it guarantees that I will see him soon. Or I get a 100 dollar toy out of it, hehe jk, but right now, I prefer just to see him.

We had another "Where is this going" conversation this morning? I am tiring of them not because I don't want to know (trust me, I do) but it is emotionally draining. This morning, I thought we were done for. Not that things have been bad, frustrating a little, but...well yesterday while drunk I made a comment about a romantic relationship versus a f*cking relationship and he thought we were straddling that line quite a bit. I'm not sure how because he means a lot to me, and I've never talked to my hook up buddies as much as we talk now....and I would think that if this was just a sex thing, we could look elsewhere for it, somewhere geographically closer instead of expending all this time and energy trying to maintain what we have. So I need to remind myself to ask him about that later.

And he was confused because he wants to do the right thing; he wants to have more control then he does and he doesn't want to look back one day and regret how he handled things with us...he doesn't want to appear like an ass who is leading me on, and he is a little bit afraid of the pain, but that last bit is not his primary concern. He has such a good heart and he always wants to do the right thing. But the right thing is so subjective in relationships. I think with my heart, he thinks with his mind.

So, for me, I am more concerned that we'll end this prematurely and I'll end up kicking myself for it because I didn't give it a chance. I am extremely happy with the way things seem to be headed and I enjoy my time with him so much; even if its just watching an afternoon completely pass me by while we're chatting on AIM. I'm not ready to let go yet, not in the least. Situational breakups are the worst because you know that the feelings are still strong, yet the circumstances do not let themselves very friend to you.

So, as always, we're back where we started. I am not sure how much longer I can handle this going with the flow thing. Already, he feels that we have gone too far emotionally and physically if all we intended was to have fun until the fun ended. I agree; I am afraid because I am starting to have expectations of him and I'm not sure if thats right...I don't want to add pressure but sometimes its hard to be emotionally attached to someone without having expectations. A good point brought up by both him and a friend is that I have expectations for my friends, so it is perfectly okay and natural to have them with someone you are quasi-dating.

I guess I am afraid that if I probe this issue too much, he will want to end it. And I guess thats just the way life goes and you gotta roll with the punches. But right now, I see no reason why it should end. I will deal with the pain when it gets here, but not trying seems far worse to me.

Thu, 05 May 2005 14:25:25 GMT

Something is very wrong, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I didn't sleep well.

I have a final in about 4.5 hours.

Why am I worrying about this?

Wed, 04 May 2005 23:07:41 GMT

It's official. My brother is moving to Singapore.

And suddenly, I feel like I can't breathe. It is with J.P. Morgan which is an amazing company and this is what he wants. He's always wanted to move overseas to Asia. So I need to be happy for him. But, right now, it's extremely difficult to.

Wed, 04 May 2005 06:31:51 GMT

Things I am reminding myself to post about because they've been swimming around in my mind, I just don't have time with all the relaxing I've been doing instead of studying for finals.

-Why I think I don't know what I want out of romantic relationships.
-My latest pick with Christianity.
-Why I blame technology for my Attention Deficit Disorder.

I swear there were more. Oh well!

GOD

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 19:42:17 GMT

So I had about an hour long conversation online with someone about Christianity yesterday ...

My new biggest problem with Christianity recently has been the idea that God is unconditional love. This might be selffish thinking, but I don't understand how someone who claims to have unconditional love for his children can banish them to a life of hell. Because, to me, that is putting a condition on his love.
I approached a few people about this and I was corrected on two things:
1) God's love is unconditional, however we have the choice whether or not to take it. However, getting into heaven does have its conditions. So if you use this logic, heaven then should not equate with love.
2) What I think of hell is what the media portrays as hell; but thats not what most Christians think of as hell. Hell, to most Christians, is a life void of God's love.

But I am seeing contradictions between one and two. Because with heaven, you are promised God's love (well kind of like you are here on Earth) whereas hell you are not promised any love. That is the one thing distinguishing heaven and hell; the prescence of God's love. So how does heaven not equate love? And if heaven is equated with love, then God's love has conditions. I just realized that, so I lemme sit on that for awhile and think.

But then my friend also brought up a really great point that I hadn't thought. The world was heaven until Satan actively rejected God's love and fell from heaven. So when the world conceivably ends and we are either sent to heaven or hell, will we still have free will? Because if we do, then what is the difference between Earth now and Heaven later? Because one would think that if you've accepted God's love, then you wouldn't dare reject it; but Satan did and we should have that option shall we end up in heaven after death. And if we don't have that will; then God no longer truly loves us because free will also equates love. So is it possible that someone will fall again from heaven, rejecting God's love, and come back and bring evil to heaven?

In which case, I realized after all this that in some ways God's love is unconditional cause during your mortal life, you have a million chances to choose to accept his love. But then you hit a point of no return (as my friend calls it) where we are in hell and suddenly's God love is not there and suddenly I get the impression that if you chose to accept it; it would no longer be there to have.

So there's almost like a time limit on it. Mind you, this is all based on logic, and maybe I should read the bible more for more backup on either proving or contradicting my points.

But this is all my dilemma.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 17:17:07 GMT

Reading through old entries from my other LJ name, I decided to revive this one because I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it. That and it reminds me of this article I got from a friend's profile on AIM: http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/04/22/text.iq/index.html

Cell phones. What a crazy idea:

Someone who lives 13 hours away from you by plane can get a hold of you while you're taking a piss in a Tinsletown Movie Theater bathroom .... that's some serious advancement in communication. Or ... is it?

I will be the first to admit that I am what Matt calls "one of those cell phone people" whose behavior made him never want a cell phone. Even if I'm in class or the movie theater, I make sure my phone can be heard if it rings by putting it on "Vibe"; I get pissy and/or feel lost if I leave my phone at home, and will almost certainly turn around and get it as long as I'm relatively close; I will do the ever-rude "text message constantly while I'm in the company of someone else" or will have a full on phone conversation while out with another friend; the only time I won't pick up the phone is when I screen (which is always) and just am not in the mood to talk to that someone...and I'll ashamedly admit that I like when my phone rings a lot cause it makes me feel cool. I bet my phone will never ring again as a result of me saying that. Ha.

But I came home for Christmas and spent the first part of my break almost purely at home hanging out with just family since it's so rare that we are all under the same roof and at the same time; and I would *gasp* purposely leave my phone at home when we went out to dinner or something cause I wasn't in the mood to be interrupted. It was nice, not messing up family time to screw around on my phone.

And then when my brother left, I claimed back my social life; and I thought it was funny that at any given time, at least two people in my group of friends could be found either loudly chatting on their phone or leaving the room to chat really quickly with someone. Understandable, I guess. Some of the time we were drunk, and who doesn't love a good drunk dial? And we have family members who want to know if we'll be home for dinner, or other old high school friends who want to get together later. But, all these extra phone conversations on the side can really kill the mood of a potentially awesome night with people we don't see often enough. And I was pretty sure that when we split ways and went home to diner or to hang out with someone else, that moment would also be killed by additional phone calls planning future events.

In short, in society today, I think it would be very difficult to get by without a cell phone (or email, or instant messenger). It's just a fast-paced life we live and sometimes it's necessary to resort to these forms of communication while in the company of others. It is also lovely that I can chat with an old friend who lives a 9 hour drive away for hours at a time, as long as my minutes are free. But we shouldn't be taking these extra forms of communication too far. If we're with a buddy, be nice and leave the cell phone on silent or something. Because I promise you, all the people who call you may make you feel popular, and you may not have to eat alone later because a buddy calls to make dinner plans.

But then again, you might just be missing life, because you're too busy missing the moment by already planning the next. It never ends. So if I pick up my phone calls less, now you know why. And if I'm chatting away while you're sitting right there, well...I'm probably bored and that's just your own damn fault.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 00:11:15 GMT

Ah, yes. Another mostly substanceless entry but I need the therapy.

I am shocked by how quickly 10 days with him passed by. The days approaching, I was nervous, anxious, and restless. How in the world was I going to handle living with someone for 10 days straight, right in my personal space, when I hadn't even spent more then a day with them in the past?

The minute he got here, I was comforted and then it just got better. We had our rocky moments, as mentioned in the previous entry; but that subsided until today, the day he left. He was supposed to meet with some girl for dinner right before his flight, and I asked him if it'd be weird if I were there, cause I get the impression that his relationship with her might have crossed platonic lines (maybe emotionally anyways). He said he didn't know and I finally had to ask whether or not she was one of the girls who warned him about me; in which case he responded one of them. Whoa, there were multiple ones?! And for reasons unknown to me, my first reaction was to start crying, then to just get plain angry -- and my emotions were quite clear, but my reasoning behind them were probably not clear to him.

It just seems like everything points to this failing miserably, which I know is inevitable. Pessimistic, not necessarily. Realistic, most definitely. In which case you ask, why even bother? Well I daresay that most things in life will fail miserably at one point or another; you can choose to either embark on it or just live a completely useless life.

On Friday morning, something had seemed off. He was bugging me every two seconds, asking me questions at like 6 in the morning and I couldn't understand why. And then right before he left for work, I noticed that he looked off but he didn't want to discuss it and had to leave. So finally after relentlessly pestering him after work, he finally spilled out: First of all, I was nauseous all the night before (the same night that I told him I wasn't on birth control). So tie in the nauseousness with no b.c. and pregnancy was probably one of the first things that popped into his mind. And then I'm guessing (though I'm reasonably sure he didnt make this connection), he started to think about "us". The reason I'm saying the two tie in is because if I were pregnant, that would significantly increase the chances that we would be linked together for the rest of our lives. I have no doubt in my mind that abortion would've been my option, but I found out recently that he isn't really pro-choice or pro-life; just confused.

So anyways he realized he was getting attached to me fairly quickly which is not usual for his rational natured self...he felt like he was out of control when it came to anything relating to me -- pregnancy and relationship. He doesn't live here, hes just about to live a whole lot further away once law school starts in September -- so do we back off? Neither of us feel capable of being in an open relationship and once either of us gets into a romantic relationship, we expect it to grow. Not remain stagnant and shallow. No conclusion was drawn, nor has further discussion opened up. The other night I did ask him what would happen after he left but he didn't have an answer.

Whats so hard is I've known all along that this would not work out. I have come to terms with this, but having him tell me that he was getting attached almost validated my getting further attached to him.

My room seems so empty, I feel so lonely; and I got mad right before he left. I feel like shit. I don't know whats going to happen and I'm afraid that I'm already too far into this to get out without tears. But the good news is ever since I've started typing this, the tears and the sadness have temporarily stopped.

I have a happy memory of us at the JEW concert, his arms wrapped around my waist, his hot breath in my ear as he sings along with Tables for Glasses. And I think it's the first time I didn't mind someone tone deaf singing their heart out at a concert.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 20:21:15 GMT

My stomach is in knots today ... I don't know if its bad food I ate or I'm just drained in every sense of the word, but I'm not liking it and I'm sure it will make aerobics especially painful today.

So the boy is in town for 10 days and things finally started caving in yesterday ... Saturday afternoon I somehow found out that I am only the second person he's slept with, and he had only engaged in sex only four separate occasions for me. This is extremely nerve wracking for someone who has had quite a bit more experience in that department.

So yesterday as we're messing around, I'm looking at him and I am filled with overwhelming guilt. I'm not sure where it came from; sex can make a girl emotional as it is but it got to the point where I finally had to stop and talk about it. So I was like I feel guilty, I don't want you to walk away from this later thinking that you have cheapened sex by engaging in it with someone who might not mean anything to you tomorrow. And above all else, I do not want to hurt you. (Because God knows that's happened one too many times with me, and I would hate to cause that for someone else. Not saying that I didn't learn from my sexual experiences, and I certainly did enjoy it at the time...I wouldn't call it regrets but I want to watch out for someone I genuinely care for I suppose). He is much more straight-laced and much more innocent; I just cannot deal with being the person who taints that, given the circumstances. So he just kinda kept on going as his blatant way of saying, I don't care I am not worried (or well he is a boy after all, maybe that wasn't anything that was running through his head, at the moment..heh which is understandable).

So I stop him again and we talk about it -- turns out, his business fraternity had been gossiping about us, and someone even pulled him aside to warn him about me, indirectly implying that I might be screwing him over and that they didn't want to see him hurt ... and that they were suprised that he and I got along so well since our views on sex were so different ... whoa is me. I know two people in said fraternity; one is an old suitemate who knows my intentions are true, and the other did not attend the event where all this gossip took place. This upset me to great lengths; as much as I genuinely appreciate that people are watching out for him, it peeves me that people think they know who I am. As recent events have shown, people pass quick judgments on me, and they usually wrong. Yes, I have treated sex casually in the past, but those are times when I myself was quite emotionally unstable and was looking for a quick fix for my self-esteem. And often those boys treated me like trash. I would not dare to do that to someone else, I have learned my lesson over and over..and for good I believe. I gave up gossiping about people a little bit ago (erm well minus house gossip over a certain roommate but..whatever). Argh, so frustrated but learning to let it go. Boy was very sweet, held me and told me that his point was that he was still here wasn't here? But something feels different.

So then we embarked on the whole hypothetical game. It has been established that neither of us are good at casual relationships -- I myself do not really go out on random dates and especially at this point in my life, I would rather spend time by myself or with my friends then go on useless, meaningless, empty dates. Life is too short, I am too busy. So for me to want to engage in something with someone, there is a certain level of seriousness I think will come with it, otherwise I will bore quickly and leave it. I can't stand shallow, small talk (though I am forcing myself to get used to it, for the sake of not losing my ability to converse easily with strangers ... a skill I've always been good at and am certain will need in the future). I think he is along the same lines in terms of being unable to involve himself with shallow, non commital relationships -- making this whole situation really hard for both of us. Being a girl, I have learned that it is difficult to be in something that has an expiration date, so to speak. I am a passionate person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am certain that despite my best efforts, /I cannot change this/.

So what now? He lives 3 hours away, soon to be many more if he goes to law school a few states north of here in August (in which case I have already told myself that this is the case so I will not dwell on the possibilities of him remaining close in the coming months). I will certainly be here until I graduate in December, then Peace Corps? Abroad? Almost certain if I can make it happen. Nothing is really keeping me here, I am young, relatively energetic, I want to do something crazy and out of the box. I don't want a cubicle job right away, I have the whole rest of my life to settle down.

But this does not mean I don't want to continue "seeing" him because ... I don't know ... something ... He did mention something yesterday about how he is seeing a small attachment form, is it just him? Most certainly not.

Just need to keep my head on my shoulders and remind myself that this is my life too. And my future will go on with or without him so my future is where my concentration should lie. Tell myself this everyday and it will stick in my head.

My roommate is going through similar issues, though much deeper and emotional. Two years together, two more weeks of classes before graduation -- then her boyfriend returns to California and she will go to Wisconsin for her PhD. She was halfway hoping that he would find work close to her since his plans are not solidified; but all he wants to do is return home and figure out his own life, goals, and dreams. I can understand that, but they have one of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen and their feelings have only grown stronger through the years.

Seeing her in pain, seeing her tears kills me. This is her first heartbreak, which is always the toughest. I wish I could be there for her, but there is no easy answer or way out. What can I say?

Feeling better, que sera sera. My life is amazing, my family loves me unconditionally, and my close friends have already gone above and beyond to prove that they are behind me 100% whatever happens. I cannot ask for more, and I won't ask for more. What I get is more then I deserve. And the boy is certainly a testimony to that. Among a million other great things in my life.

Oh god 2 more weeks of class left. Where does the time go?

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 19:42:12 GMT

Those last two entries were substanceless and pointless, but I'll leave them there.

I've been reading through my entries and each post was a revelation for me...but I realized just how shallow my thought is and always has been.

Does anyone, like me, ever go to a friend's xanga (livejournal, blog, myspace, facebook, or something of the sort) and find themself clicking on their friends's page, and that friends's page, etc. just brisking through other people's thoughts until you stumble onto something that intrigues you, something you can relate to, etc? To me, that is the beauty of humanity...I seriously doubt that anyone can walk around thinking "I am the only one in this great Earth that feels this way" because the chances are slim to none...and of course no experience is ever the same cause the backgrounds and environments are vastly different, but that feeling we all get, I think we can all relate with each other...which is awesome because we can use that as support while still feeling distinct since all our frameworks are in slight variation. If that made any sense.

Anyways so there is this boy..I'll leave it at that...and I made that ever so modern and slightly psychotic move of googling his name...and stumbled onto a website of his friend's. Elitist is the first think that came to mind. But intriguing none the less. It assured me once again, that I will never be good enough for said boy because I don't think that my realm of thought could ever be as complex and sophisticated as his thought or his friends's thoughts are...and second, I can only aspire in my life to be like that. Not elitist by any means. I think that I am really humble, and if I ever have an egocentric moment, it's only in my head so I can celebrate on my own without anyone raining on my parade...but I want to be that intelligent...be able to sit and debate the most minute things in the world, with such bombastic language...it might be a silly goal, but I love the thought of it. But ditch the cigars and brandy...Gimme a beer and a Marlboro Light, keep the same conversation, Thanks. And if my use of big words is getting much or I start not making sense, in the attempt to sound sophisticated, I apologize.

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 01:20:46 GMT

Does anyone ever see me for me?

Will anyone ever come and save me? Cause I'm afraid I can't save myself.